diet, weight loss

Weight and Worry

Well, I’ve been to see a doctor. As of last Thursday, I weighed in at an incredible 278 pounds. At five feet, eight inches tall, that’s a disgusting number.

It also means the photos I’ve taken of myself showing my “before” self are probably on the small size. I can’t imagine I was heavier then than now, but who knows?

I’m also not happy about finding out, but I had to go see the doctor about my back. I just couldn’t keep going without knowing what was wrong. Turns out, my back hurtsbecause I’m so fat.

The first order of business is to lose weight. My orthopedic doctor’s not in favor of a ketogenic diet plan, but he didn’t oppose it openly. He just said “It has it’s pros and cons.” Thanks, doc, you’ve said more than I need to hear, just let me manage my own weight loss problem and you can monitor my back progress.

I’m supposed to go to physical therapy, but I don’t know if I’m going to follow through on that or not. I mean, I have to pay for every visit out of my HSA account and it’s not just for me, it’s for all of us, and my deductible is high. Plus, we got dinged with a $500 tax bill (fed and state) and have to pay that off somehow too.

When I look in the mirror, to be honest, I see failure. I don’t see any sign I’ve done anything but get fatter. I don’t have a scale in the house but I’m sure to get one now. I have to know, for sure, whether I’m losing or gaining. I have to know if I’m doing this well, or not getting it right.

I’m very discouraged about this today. I don’t know why. I hope it doesn’t last though, because I’m not feeling great about what’s happening right now, what my future looks like, or my prospects for being the person I wanted to become. No matter how long I work at it, I will probably die this big, fat, disgusting man-pig I’ve become. Welcome to destiny, have a seat. Feel free to snack on the body-fat dishes left for your indulgence.

I want this to be a momentary lapse in my outlook, but I don’t feel that way when I see myself. How did I get fatter? HOW?

*Sigh* From being high on this new discovery of weight loss and dieting to the pits of despair with a single number.

Ain’t life grand?


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